Tag Archive | Reviews

[L.A.] Uncharted 3

I’ll keep this short:

So, just played Uncharted 3 for around an hour. Haven’t played the first two iterations in the series, so most of the information is from the mouth of another. Nothing like second-hand opinions. That said, I’ve played enough of it to actually think it’s pretty bad-crap insane.

The story is well-thought out, based primarily on rumors of ancient treasure-stories and explorers, Francis Drake and Lawrence of Arabia being the core of it. It also differs from previous Uncharted games that concentrate on the relationship between Nathan Drake (protagonist) and Elena (“really annoying reporter-girl that he, you-know, has sex with, but still has an amazing computerized ass to make up for the annoyingness”), this game concentrates on the relation between Drake and his mentor, Sully. The characters have amazing depth, the protagonist seeming like an uncanny off-spring between Indiana Jones and Horatio Caine. The enemies succeed in making you want to kick their teeth in or alternatively smash their faces through with a saucepan, while keeping to their secretive nature.

The gameplay is fun, and the graphics essentially strip the title of “game,” and replaces it with “movie where you can control the main character to shoot shit up.” The jumping and climbing have a few bugs that need to be sorted out by Naughty Dog, not being as smooth as Ubisoft’s Assassin’s Creed free-running… But the shooting eases the frustration of running head-first into a wall in the middle of a chase.

L.A. out.

Thanks to “Jack of Trades” for supplying some of the info.

Most of it.

Almost all of it.

Anything after the first paragraph.



[Jack Of Trades] I keep a can of bat-shark-repellent handy…

Review of Batman: Arkham Asylum

Good Morning/Day/Evening everyone! And welcome to the asylum!

Here is my first review of a game and as it happens, it’s the game that features first brought one of most iconic superheroes of all time to te world of modern gaming, Batman! The game itself utilizes all of Batman’s iconic moments and moves, and for the nostalgic nerd, it is nothing more than a wet dream!

The plot of the story is brilliant, in simplicity and canon with the Batman universe. The game opens with Batman bringing the Joker into the Asylum after an attack on city hall. He is uneasy of the ease of his capture and thus follows the Joker into the Asylum. Later, his suspicion is confirmed as the Joker escapes and takes over the asylum, leaving Batman trapped and alone, but never helpless… Batman must fight his way through the crazies, utilizing everything in his arsenal and saving everyone in need.

The gameplay is fun, fast and different from other games. In a fight Batman can utilize all the combat moves and gadgets under(or on, as the case may be) his belt. Otherwise, Batman can sneak around picking off enemies one by one stealthily after surveying an area with his “detective vision/mode.” Here is where the player must face a new challenge, fighting the urge to whisper “I’m batman” after sneaking up or hanging behind an enemy, before pouncing on your prey!!! Plus, the player must also solve a fiendish amount of riddles and puzzles from everyone’s favorite puzzlier, the Riddler. This huge group of side missions will keep the player occupied for hours outside of the normal missions and is a great way to build up experience. As for the graphics, when AA came out in 2009 it was at the top of its league, with a high level of quality and filled with industrial grays, green, pinks and reds making it look immense and deep.

Overall then, B:AA is an immense game, and, despite its increasing age, is still one of the best fun a person could get out of a video game.

-Jack of Trades.

Battlefield: Bad Company 2 review

Yo sup, it’s Clover. Got the stuff? Wait, wrong person, apologies. I’ll go to the matter in hand. Bad Company 2, bloody hell it’s good. The story might not be that good but the gameplay was damn solid and the multiplayer is the golden feature on the whole disk. I love the multiplayer, it is the best multiplayer I have ever played and nothing any of you old veteran Battlefield players say will change my mind. While I do say that the story is OK, the characters were all different in a hilarious way and a huge contrast to the other. You could obviously tell this game wouldn’t or at least couldn’t take itself seriously as of the ridiculous situations the four gunmen of the military apocalypse found themselves in. The story was far-fetched but what do you expect out of a game that clearly knows of itself as a joke but I would much rather play this over the top shooter than a shout of task.

I’ll start off with the visuals, the thing I like the most is the ambience of the environments. When I play the game, there’s dust in the air that the sunlight points out, I don’t know if it’s true but I can see it. The lighting itself is damn good. The light stops when a surface appears and many games don’t do this. The light appears even on your gun as you move by a window and if you move slowly the sunlight will also follow. One word for all this, immersion, it clearly prides itself on the aesthetics to make it believable enough to think the places you on-screen are real, especially with a HDMI cable. The Frostbite engine does a great job with the visuals but also with the audio. One time I swear I filled my trousers when hearing a sniper bullet whizz past my ear, I don’t play much horror games so I can safely say it’s the scariest thing ever if the bullet goes by your face a third of an inch. ALways makes me think twice about joining the military, yet so does the tank when it blows me up after spotting me a mile away.I couldn’t tell what made the hole, the tank shell or my shit flying out of my bum hole.

I really enjoyed the presence of the characters in this game, Hags, Sarge, Preston and Sweetwater, all 4 had great chemistry together throughout the whole story… well maybe not Marlowe, he was a bit of a mute douche through the whole thing while the rest of them we’re yapping away like it’s a family dinner. I’m guessing they were going for the everyman approach to try to suit everybody, if they wanted that they shouldn’t have given him a name and have Sweetwater shouting “Great shot, Marlowe!” But it doesn’t deter me from thinking it’s great. I can quote this game as well as I can quote Scott Pilgrim, especially when you stand around and do nothing. When you stand still for long enough they’ll start talking about scenes from Predator, apple pie, smoothies, the list could be endless. Another great line was the Dallas cowboys one where they asked who goes to war in a cowboy hat? Obviously cowboys. These are great minds.

The multiplayer is my favorite part of the whole game, The spawning system is the best I’ve seen so far in any multiplayer and the number of players you can get are clearly much better than Call Of Duty, there are 24 players to each match but it wold be better if it was something like 32, 2 extra squads would have been interesting. The maps were clearly made for tactical thinking and it should be used and respected as such, not for camping (hint). I always like to think which way I’ll go deal with a tightly positioned camper next. They’re easy to dispose of if you know the maps well and seeing as I have been playing it for a while now I think I know each of them quite well. The classes always benefit the other in a different way, they’re all as important as the other one, except for Recon, Recon is the class that is there yet has no use. The level progression took a little while to do but I have managed to unlock all the inventory items including perks. There hasn’t been a time where I was bored out of my mind in this feature but I never really found any use of the shotguns. I always used the rifles instead seeing as whenever i tried to shoot people with the shotgun, it never actually worked. If you ask what my favorite weapons are they’re; SV-98, M-60, M-416 and AKS-74U.

The vehicles are handy as well as easy enough to shoot down so there is a fair game for everyone. The helicopters are simpler to fly in this than BF:3 I’ll tell you that much for start. I could actually be a transport helicopter, carrying troops from one side of the map to the other so we could fight our battles faster. Some of them stayed on to use te miniguns but fair enough I needed the protection, so usually that meant only transporting 3 or 4 people at a time but it is a whole squad so who cares. It’s also handy to stow away an engineer at the back so they can repair the chopper when you’re getting shot at. You can do the same thing with a hind but not an apache so I always look forward to being in the russian team, This tactic really helps your team in getting the winning points You can also do this with tanks and cars. The ATVs are for moving in quickly and swiftly, I would recommend Recon use them most of the time because of their need to move fast around the map to different positions. The tank would be well suited for the engineers, be it light or heavy armor but the rest were made for all classes. Mainly for transportation is my guess.

As with he weapons, the sub-machine guns are clearly overpowered in comparison to assault rifles and that pisses me off, especially when I deliver ten rounds in the chest of an enemy with an M416 and lives while he can shoot my in the leg twice with a UZI and I die. Why are subs overpowered in every game I play, annoys me a lot… luckily they tuned down the range so long-range would be impossible, balancing bitches, it works. But whenever somebody tells me this is a Call Of Duty copycat I shout “IDIOT” in their faces and say “bad idiot gamers! Very bad!” Catchphrases, they stick with you.

THis has definitely become one of my favorite games and if I ever make a top ten list of the past 5 years this will be in there, no questions asked. people keep telling me it’s the worst battlefield in the whole series but a game doesn’t have to be like it’s ancestors to be good, games have to change all the time otherwise it’s the same thing over and over. I’ll talk about Vietnam later.

I give it a 9/10.

Clover out.

Forza 3

Clover here. I apologize beforehand about the picture sizes. I could’t find better smaller ones. I am quite proud to admit that this is one of my favorite racing games ever. I also have the sequel but I’ll write about that in the future. Many people, like me, call this a racing game while others call it a car simulation which is completely understandable due to the amount of engine customization on it, but I don’t notice that, I just buy whatever upgrade that makes my car better, I don’t look at the weight or anything. I just like to drive fast in my games. Anyways, down to the specifics.

I would like to mention that the game has a very good selection of cars in there. My favorites consist of Chevrolet Camaro SS, Lamborghini Diablo SV and Koenigsegg CCGT. Don’t ask me why, I just fucking love those cars, they’re fast and they can turn better than a GT500 Shelby. The career offers you hundreds of cars with each level you gain. The races become really long after reaching about level 35 or 40 but it makes sense, faster cars, longer races. Another awesome thing is I bought a Firebird, F class, and upgraded it into a black R3 badass. If you ever wanted to be a professional car racer you can do it in this game because the level of customization is amazing, I loved that car after I upgraded it. I love having old American cars like 1960s Chevy Camaro and upgrading them into modernized beasts. It’s also helpful that you have the obvious range of slow and up to super fast cars. I’ve managed to become attached to this more than my favorites modern shooters… I’m being sarcastic by the way.

The controls clearly vary between the different cars.Because I’ve become used to the game I can tell which one just sucks and which one doesn’t. As a British person I always select the European cars to actually race in, always have been better performers than American. The controls, as I have mentioned, are superior in say a Mercedes or Audi than a Ford or Pontiac. Sometimes when I get a little bit off the track my car does spin a little out of control (AHEM) but it’s probably just my fault. What I do find irritating is it doesn’t show you how to drift and I really do not know how to drift in this game… is it fair to say I suck at it or more of a straight forward go race person? I’d say the latter mainly to not depress and insult myself. Anyways yes, the controls are great but I always upgrade and tune it just to make it even better.

My storefront experience was mainly just buying a few cars, selling my Firebird (tear) and downloading some photographs. I uploaded a few of my own if you want to see them (hint hint) and to be honest my cars looked downright badass. The photo mode is fun because you can make you or other people’s cars look great with these special angles you can have that looks like they’re going and turning much faster than what they really do. You can edit it afterwards through colours and contrast and other thing I don’t understand. If you notice I’ve tried to find the photographs I took in the game of my cars but I couldn’t find them online so fuck that.

The rewind system clearly helps if you make a mistake but makes it clearly easier and feel you’re cheating. I probably could have played it without rewind but I couldn’t help myself. The visuals are just stunning. Even my dad was impressed with the way it looked. Each piece of environment was greatly detailed and the cars just look better. I haven’t tried it with my HDMI yet but I have time :). I can’t imagine how great that will look like.

The summary is, great game, vast choice of cars, great controls but rewind feels like cheating.


Clover out.

World of Warcraft

I’ve played it since vanilla. I remember the satisfaction of levelling a character 1-60, exploring the vast world via foot and appreciating it, venturing into Molten Core and beating the shit out of Ragnaros for the first time and not managing to cross the bridge in Alterac Valley because of the opponents’ team-work and co-operation.

Blizzard cocked all that up for me. Over the years the game has just gone too easy. I recently scrapped playing it for Star Wars: The Old Republic.

Anyhow, Warcraft seems to just go backwards. It gets easier to make up for the younger audience, meanwhile ruining the experience for more… well, experienced players. My last night in WoW consisted of a “pick-up group” with nine strangers, each bad-mouthing each other. We zerged a raid and cleared the bosses without any prior knowledge of the tactics – in vanilla we’d be castrated by Blizzard for that type of stunt. Nothing like simplicity, right? I feel as though my intelligence has been insulted.

Not only that, but they’ve only just made an advert with Chuck Norris, years after the jokes were at their prime. Blizzard are holding back on us – I’m pretty sure  we all could use a personal time-machine. Admittedly, though, the ad is pretty badass – check out the picture below.

Where else can you get that sort of goblin-kicking action? Well, there’s one of two answers – either you’re a rogue, or you’re playing a Pandaren Monk.

I’m not going to hate on the Pandaren race. It’s pretty sound, lore-wise, and the game is in need of another hero class to over-power and unbalance the rest. Remember Death Knights at the start of WotLK? That’s essentially what we’re going to be experiencing again: lagging in the starting areas and a surge of black-and-white fuzzballs rolling around each time you turn about.

No, they aren’t copying Dreamwork’s Kung Fu Panda. Play WC3 (I think, I don’t recall all the old WC games) and they’re in the lore. Don’t hate on the races.

Although I’m skeptic on WoW’s future, I’ll probably log back in for Mists of Pandaria, if only to see the new talent system, race, class, Pokémon Battles (yes, that’s a real thing) and the new areas. I do foresee a plentiful amount of characters with a variation on the name “Po,” though.

But for now I’ll focus on my Sith.

Peace out,


Call Of Duty: Black Ops review

Clover here, I might have spoken too soon about Larten. I have been looking forward to making this for so long because it’s my time to rant for many paragraphs. Granted, the story is very good and it was definitely interesting enough to earn an over the top rating. The whole crazy person setting made it incredibly “What in the hell?” That was my reaction anyway. Especially when he was with the guy in the cave and Reznov came out of nowhere and the other guy acted like Reznov didn’t exist. It kind of made me feel uncomfortable but maybe that’s what they were aiming for (Swift! That’s his name!) What I can’t understand is how could one man perform the actions of two, regardless, it’s OK. Now the gameplay, this is going to be fun my friends.

FIrst thing I want to say is that the gameplay is bollocks. Shooting, running, knifing, performing sexually, you name it, it wasn’t made well. A team of highly trained monkeys could have done a better job at the design phase. Wait, I take that back, it’s Treyarch, it is a group of highly trained monkeys. Moving on. I would like to touch upon the visuals please. Don’t know why I’m asking you, but yes, I will now talk about the visuals. The game is ugly, it is grimy, unfinished and unpolished. The humans look like they have dirt smeared all over them and frankly I don’t like it when characters look like they’ve just trodden through a muddy jungle, probably running away from a Lion or something. Who cares they look dirty. When I say this I don’t mean the Vietnam soldiers, I talk about people like the president as well and the government officials going with you. Good writing doesn’t justify lazy visuals. They should have concentrated more on making the game look at least a little bit more pleasing to the eye. They’re using Infinity Ward’s engine so why can’t they utilize it as such? Well I say that, again one is Infinity Ward and the other is a team of highly trained monkeys.

The gameplay is terrible, it’s as simple as that. The guns are so weak I’m surprised they don’t fire foam sticks instead of actual lead bullets. It’s called sponging. Somehow the enemies and other players online manage to do the exact same thing. Would someone please explain how somebody that is human and not a genetically modified super-person can take about 20 AK-47 rounds. It’s one of the most powerful assault rifles out there and you tell me even a rabbit can’t get killed with it in this game. The diving mechanic was added for no discernible reason so I don’t know if it was added at the last-minute or just something they believed that would “change Call of duty for the greater good,” but no, it just turned into a tool to destroy windows with things other than lethal weapons, yourself. And also, if you can nearly kill yourself with it, what’s the point in having it. Sure it adds a bit of fun, but if it has no gameplay value then there is no point in keeping it in, waste of memory, it could have been replaced with something that could have made it, oh let’s see, A GOOD GAME!

The multiplayer maps are incredibly badly designed, if you are some sort of defender in a game then the map will always favour the attackers in some way. There are less spots around the defense points in Black Ops maps, it’s as if every place you could enter through gives advantage to the enemy player by the contrast of extra hiding spots and entrances and it doesn’t offer you any help like maybe a machine gun position or an anti flanking route. This is basic lazy design. What annoys me most is the idiots who defend this game. The game, is TERRIBLE! This game is an example of one that makes you so frustrated you want to throw a controller through an old lady’s head. Bad idiot gamers! Very bad! Soon I wouldn’t be surprised if I tried to take over the world of games and call myself “The Dictator” and stop any game I find displeasing from being made. Regardless, the gameplay is stupid and anybody who defends said gameplay is simply, an idiot.

The voice acting is good compared to the rest of the turd pile. But in honesty Sam Worthington would probably be more praised if he worked as a janitor for the Superbowl arena, at least he’d be more appreciated, cleaning the seats of everybody to watch the big game, he’d be proud. But this, I think he keeps out of his CV. If he did, I’d understand. Gary Oldman sounds as Russian and manly as he always did voicing Reznov, his character and the actual growling, rough voice he gave the character made it all the more convincing. If only he actually existed in this game. And to whoever did the voice of President Kennedy, well done.

The only things I liked in this game are:

1. Zombies with Kennedy, Castro, Nixon and MacNamara. (Mainly for the dialogue.)

2. Wager matches, especially gun game. (Because I like gambling.)

3. The story. (Because it was interesting and sometimes ballsy)

In conclusion, don’t buy this game. The story might be good but it would have been better as a novel or a film. You shouldn’t go through six and a half hours of horrible gaming for one OK story. In the end it’s a badly designed, over the top James Bond style war shooter that has no value in terms of gameplay.


Clover out. Dead Ops arcade was frustrating too…

Left 4 Dead 2

Clover here, again. I’m sure some of you are asking “Where the fuck is Larten?” I’m asking the same question. Anyways, Left 4 Dead 2, it’s abbreviation sounds like the younger brother of R2-D2. L4D2. Do you see it? I’m starting to ramble here so I’ll get on the real subject matter. I am going to start this review off with the words, I, fucking, Love, Left, 4, dead, 2.

I’ll start off the review with the characters. My favorite is hands down definitely Ellis. I found it annoying that the rest of the cast stopped him in his stories while he was in mid-ramble. I’d have proudly listened to his tales of great accomplishments. The game has provided me with many laughs from Ellis alone, I always played as Ellis for the fun part. And not just that he’s faster than others too. The 4 characters of the game have great chemistry with each other and the dialogue in it is just perfect. They all have interesting back stories and the relationships between each other somehow develop better over the hours you play better than characters you have in a movie. The game managed to be successfully well written without even trying as you can clearly see it is a multiplayer based game.

The levels reflected cliché zombie movie settings rather well. The only problem I had with the game was the airplane in the swamp fever level. That place… bad memories from that place. That fucking tank is a douche , so is that Charger. “MEEEEEEAAAAUH!” And I’m off the bridge… I can hate zombies sometimes. The rest of the levels had some frustrating parts such as the ledge on that hotel and the gas station in the rain level. I can never remember the names of these places. Is it Dead rain? I can’t remember. Well whatever at least the game tried to challenge you like most of the others just don’t. Seriously, some developers are just fucking lazy. Bad idiot developers! Very bad! Sure the levels are usually corridors in this game but at least you have other smaller places to explore at your will. They can be vast if you try to explore it a bit and they were cleverly made that you have to remember where to go or either you get lost or have to walk for 15 fucking minutes to where you were 2 minutes ago…

Do you want to know something interesting about this particular entertainment tool? It is fu. That’s right, finally another game that is genuinely fun that is also modern. Are you surprised? Of course not, it’s a fucking Valve game. I had nothing but a great tie playing this whole title. To me, this is rare. I usually play an incredible amount of horrible and frustrating games nowadays and when I get a masterpiece like this I just orgasm with joy. I would much rather play this than any modern-day shooter. Don;t mention Homefront, that’s based in like 2017 or something similar.

I have to keep on track here. The weapons, be it a combat shotgun (favorite) or saucepan, work well. Even though I find use for all of them they are all used for different tasks such as close range to long-range. The funniest part of the melee weapons is the guitar. Whenever I play Dark Carnival I always pick up a guitar and start cutting up those asshole zombies. For some reason hearing those strings breaking while bashing the nose off a clown is just… pleasing.

Buy it. Seriously, or it will be the guitar on your head next time.

Clover out.